Success & Relationships: Deciphering Reconnaissance from Genuine Interest

This post was originally published on one of my sister websites, and has been reposted here under a different title.

Reconnaissance is a favorite tool of armchair critics and gossips.

If you’re someone who consistently pursues your dreams, you’ll inevitably attract individuals who aim to slow you down or stain your reputation. These people are often armchair critics and gossips.

Initially, these people might seem harmless, like when bits of information from conversations you have had with them seem to “slip out” when they are speaking with others. But this often progresses to more concerning tactics, like when they strategically introduce private information about you in front of others, forcing you to address topics you’d prefer to keep confidential or discuss on your own terms. This can escalate further to them spreading rumors—twisting information they know about you with added spice for entertainment, all to control your narrative. And they accomplish this without even having to get up from their armchair.

These people can develop into being more than just an irritant; they’re like a persistent fly, constantly buzzing around for information. Get too close or share too much, and you could find yourself in a vulnerable position. This is particularly true if these individuals are family members, a group many of us find difficult to distance ourselves from, even when recognizing harmful patterns. But plenty of these individuals will be outside of your family and in the workplace, which is another environment where you have to tolerate and navigate around them. Therefore, to handle the nuisance of this type of person and the potential danger they can (and likely desire to) bring to your life, you must know the difference between their reconnaissance efforts and genuine interest in your pursuits.  

 

Why Do They Perform Reconnaissance?

Control is what they seek. Control of your narrative and, their most fervent wish, control over you—specifically over your success: to prevent it or to bring an end to it. In pursuit of this control, they perform reconnaissance to gather information about you so they can twist it negatively and damage your reputation. Information gathering is just the beginning of their scheme and your first signal that their game has begun.  

 

Their Deception

These people may think they are clever, but the proverbial “bottom” is replete with individuals like them. They are all repetitions of the same person you will encounter throughout your life—a dime a dozen, and easily recognizable once you know what to look for. Read on.  

 

How Do They Perform Reconnaissance?

These individuals often feign interest in your pursuits. You must be wary of how much information you share, as any detail, no matter how innocuous, can be twisted negatively. A common tactic is “bearing gifts,” offering something seemingly helpful to elicit personal information.  

 

What Do These People Look Like?

I used to think there was a specific gender that was more prone to this kind of behavior. Take a wild guess. Now, I’m a member of the gender you have probably guessed, so don’t accuse me of sexism. Instead, just understand that I was assigned to some level of being encased within the culture of this type of behavior. Now, I actively avoid it; adjusting as needed with each person that I encounter, keeping my goals and personal life private. But, gender assumptions aside, over the decades, I’ve found that you can spot these people more by social class than by gender.

 

As you reach a certain status or stage in your life, you’ve worked so much and have more you’d like to protect. You learn to keep your cards closer to your chest, and so have the others in your circle. You tend to only share information about a business partner or a neighbor when you can potentially help each other out in the long run to make more progress. It’s because of individuals who are strategic about controlling the details of their lives and preserving their success that we have libel laws and other impartial avenues of resolution—or, retribution, if you so wish. And in my worst case of dealing with someone who used reconnaissance to try to bring great harm to me, I had to pursue legal action, a recourse I’m thankful exists.

How foolish must one be to voluntarily create an enemy out of an already highly motivated, resourceful person?

Smart people know better than to let their pangs of envy, competitiveness, and insecurity dictate their actions; thus, they can better keep their lives intact, rather than invite an unpredictable response from a target who was otherwise minding their own business. This is a lesson many successful people understand, enabling them to avoid the folly of yielding to primal impulses.

Learning to pick your battles is part of maturing, but some never learn.

On the path to success (and staying out of unnecessary trouble), the most successful are wise to keep out of other people’s business, especially private matters that don’t personally involve them. Conversely, those who make it their life’s work to speak ill of others are, in fact, inviting consequences into their lives. They’re often so caught up in the dizzying ecstasy of gossip they indulge in that they fail to recognize the potential danger they’re creating for themselves.

 

Their Ultimate Goal

Gossips and armchair critics seek unearned power, influence, and sense of fulfillment—not through their own work, of course, but by finding faults in others, and in return they perceive themselves from a more elevated status. Ultimately, they want control over those they consider threats. They aim to draw you into their “circle of misery” by establishing a personal relationship with you. If they can’t do that, they seek control by manipulating the narrative about their target. This is why you must be wary of sharing any information with them; as mentioned, even innocuous details will be twisted to make the information seem negative. This gives them control over the narrative about you and what you’re doing.  

 

They Create a Powerful Enemy

Imagine becoming the justified target of someone you perceive as a threat, all because you could not resist jumping on the gossip or smear-campaign bandwagon against them.

When you target a self-motivated, resourceful person, you ultimately create a powerful enemy. This enemy will be highly motivated to ensure you can never attempt to harm them again. While the gossip or armchair critic might be driven solely by their insecurity, and all they have are rumors and assumptions to build their case against you, you possess the facts about all their tactics. And, if you’ve followed the advice in this article, you’ve given them nothing substantial to truly harm you. Depending on what the armchair critic or gossip does to try and control an aspect of your life or harm you, there’s often a real-world consequence you can deliver. Use resourcefulness and facts. Facts often nail armchair critics and gossips in their coffins.

See Robert Greene’s Law 4: Always Say Less Than Necessary in the 48 Laws of Power (affiliate link).

 

Conclusion

After completing a recent major project (and sharing the accomplishment with some people I probably shouldn’t have), I experienced a fresh influx of armchair critics and gossips buzzing around me. Thankfully, I’m well versed in all their tactics, having recently distanced myself from my natal family, which is populated by such people. The mistake these people make in believing that they are evil geniuses of information gathering and rumor-mongering is that, by sitting in their armchairs pointing fingers at others, they remain ignorant of the world of productive people. If they understood, they would know that their personalities and tactics are pervasive throughout society and often serve as motivation for those who pursue their dreams—to achieve freedom from such limited individuals. Having people like this constantly around you, buzzing for information, is a sign that you’re doing something right. Yes, it’s still incredibly annoying, and you must constantly dodge the potential danger these people want to bring, but if you recognize their movements, you’ll remain in control of your narrative and your life.

Once you recognize the patterns of armchair critics and gossips, the next time you encounter one, you’ll find yourself thinking, “here we go again.” Simply act accordingly to avoid their lazy traps. You can defeat yourself through self-exposure more effectively than they can defeat you through genuine effort, so don’t fall into their traps. Remember, their goal is to remain seated while they pick you apart. So stay sharp when it comes to their attempts to gain reconnaissance on you.